Okay, so after spending all of Saturday feeling like I had been doing sit ups in my sleep, I realized that kneading had mockingly displayed to me how out of shape I am. That leads to...
Bread-machine bagels.
Now, obviously the bread machine can't do the bagel shaping, or the boiling, and all of that, but it does do decent dough. I just have to let it rise after the bread machine thinks it's done. The bread machine also can't handle the volume of a full batch. So this is what I ended up with:
1 1/8 cups of warm water
3 1/2 cups of flour
1 1/2 teaspoons of oil
1 1/2 teaspoons of salt
1 tablespoon of sugar
1 teaspoon of yeast
Hit the dough setting; when it's done, let the dough rise more till it's about double if your bread machine is like mine and sad about rising. (I'm pretty sure this is why my bread machine bread is usually dense - it doesn't let it rise enough. Probably the cold kitchen problem.)
Once the dough is sufficiently risen, you can divide it into about 10 parts, make your bagel shapes, let them rise another 20 minutes or until roughly doubled again, boil in water with 1 tablespoon of baking soda and 1 tablespoon of sugar, drain, brush with egg, top, bake at 400 for ... this time was about 13 minutes. Golden brown is easier to judge on white flour than whole wheat.
I was more methodical about my sizing this time, so I got 10 good sized bagels out of it. This one was the prettiest:
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